The Worst Internet Things bracket

Excerpt from this article, which sets up a tournament-style bracket (in honour of March Madness college basketball in the US) of the worst things on the internet:

There are millions of Internet things. Most of them are great! 64 of them are bad.

(1) SOMEONE IM’ING YOU ON FACEBOOK. As most recently passed along by Scientific Podcast Goes Boink: “Twitter is for loving people you’ve never met, and Facebook is for hating people you’ve always known.” Facebook is largely an awful place, made more awful by the perpetual threat (before you disable instant messages) of your high school friend making your laptop ding and asking you to come see his prog-rock band with two drummers, no singer, and a rapper in a VOTE FOR PEDRO shirt.

(16) LOCAL TV STATION WEBSITES. These are especially wretched experiences if you’re a freelance writer struggling to pay rent, because the half-done sentences and “they’re/their/there” errors twist the knife ever deeper. Some TV station websites are perfectly fine. Some will ask you to take three surveys and watch a commercial from your local dentist and then dump you in an article full of Loren Ipsum.

(8) AD PLAYS, ACTUAL VIDEO DOESN’T. Out of principle, I don’t use ad blockers. This is one reason I will never blame anyone for using them.

(5) KICKSTARTERS FOR WEDDINGS. I swear upon every shred of journalistic integrity I have that I have seen people do this.

(12) TINDER PHOTO IS A GUY IN OAKLEYS WITH A FISH HE CAUGHT. Lady friends tell me that easily a third of Tinder photos are of men, especially middle-aged men, showing off fish they caught. They presumably are gunning for the “rugged outdoorsman” aesthetic, but they’re rocking M-frame Oakleys, which takes in more of an “I buy my pants at Home Depot” direction.

(4) FACEBOOK RE-ARRANGING YOUR FEED. If email or books or anything else used algorithms to bork around with the order of your consumption, we wouldn’t stand for it. We put up with it on Facebook because Facebook does not matter.