Things That Will Happen If I Don’t Take My Phone Out Right Now

Photo: Hulton Archive/Getty

A fun spoof from The New Yorker to kick off our work weeks; excerpt from this article:

1 – Someone will post a photo of a brunch sandwich—like, a really great brunch sandwich, one with bacon and avocado—and I won’t get to comment, “omg where.”

3 – Every five minutes or so, I’ll stop dead and think, “Oh no, I lost my phone” while pawing at my body, trying to figure out in which pocket, purse, or bra cup I left it.

5 – Someone will send me an e-mail marked “URGENT” and it will, for once, actually be quite urgent (probably about free food), and I won’t see it until it’s too late (all the free food is gone).

8 – A female celebrity will do something in public and I will miss the chance to ask aloud, “Yes, but is she a feminist?”

9 – I’ll get invited to a party on Facebook and will not be the first person to post a flippant remark, like, “new phone who dis.”

10 – I will have to spend at least one second of my life not agonizing over how everyone else’s life seems better. (How are you always at a cottage? Who drove you there? You don’t have a car and I don’t understand.)

11 – I will make eye contact with someone.