Here’s a Thanksgiving treat: Device-free talk

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Photo: THINKSTOCK

Excerpt from this article, and wishing all of our colleagues in the US a happy Thanksgiving holiday weekend:

This week, millions of us will endure crowded airports and traffic jams just to sit down to dinner with people we probably can see every day on Facebook.

We are not doing it for the cranberry sauce.

We are doing it for the face time — which, wonders of technology aside, is not the same as FaceTime, texting, emailing, tweeting or any other form of electronic communion.

“Face-to-face conversation is what sustains us. It gives us a sense of connection,” says Sherry Turkle, a psychologist who leads an initiative on the social and psychological influence of technological change at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge. “Eye contact, seeing a face, hearing a voice. Those things together give us a feeling of being cared for and caring for another person.”

Here are some of Turkle’s other tips for bringing conversation back, not just at Thanksgiving, but every day:

Create “sacred” spaces for conversation. A holiday dinner is a good place to start, but you will get more conversational mileage out of everyday family meals, car rides and walks.

Use the 7-minute rule. Give a conversation at least that long to unfold — boring bits, silences and all.

Make a point of talking to people with whom you disagree. That does not happen much online, where we sort ourselves into like-minded groups and often fear censure for saying things our friends and followers might not like.

Choose the right tool for the job. Emails and texts are extremely useful and sometimes best, but there’s no substitute for face to face when it comes to some conversations — including many of the hardest ones.

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Stop Googling. Let’s Talk.

Illustration by Yann Kebbi

Excerpt from this article by Sherry Turkle, the MIT professor who wrote “Alone Together” that was a fascinating look at the impact of technology on interactions. She has now written ““Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age,” which looks at the same themes (that last bit about the effect of the “mere presence of a phone on a table” !):

College students tell me they know how to look someone in the eye and type on their phones at the same time, their split attention undetected. They say it’s a skill they mastered in middle school when they wanted to text in class without getting caught. Now they use it when they want to be both with their friends and, as some put it, “elsewhere.”

Young people spoke to me enthusiastically about the good things that flow from a life lived by the rule of three, which you can follow not only during meals but all the time. First of all, there is the magic of the always available elsewhere. You can put your attention wherever you want it to be. You can always be heard. You never have to be bored. When you sense that a lull in the conversation is coming, you can shift your attention from the people in the room to the world you can find on your phone. But the students also described a sense of loss.

It’s a powerful insight. Studies of conversation both in the laboratory and in natural settings show that when two people are talking, the mere presence of a phone on a table between them or in the periphery of their vision changes both what they talk about and the degree of connection they feel. People keep the conversation on topics where they won’t mind being interrupted. They don’t feel as invested in each other. Even a silent phone disconnects us.

Updated to add: This other article on Quartz covers the same thinking from Sherry Turkle, talking about how “Many [parents] worry what technology is doing to our kids. A cascade of reports show that their addiction to iAnything is diminishing empathy, increasing bullying, robbing them of time to play, and just be. So we parents set timers, lock away devices and drone on about the importance of actual real-live human interaction. And then we check our phones.”