What Your Yelp Review Says About You

drink

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Here are a few common examples of Yelp review comments and their actual meanings:

“The staff was snooty” I felt intimidated by how fancy this place was and/or arrived underdressed.

“The actor/waiter was…” My waiter was extremely good-looking and I resent that.

“Not authentic” I’d like to take this opportunity to brag about my world travels to a bunch of strangers online.

“Hipster” There was kale on the menu and nobody else was wearing UGG boots.

“We didn’t get a free ____” I am a terrible human being who doesn’t comprehend how the economy works.

“The portions were too small” I’m probably from the Midwest and/or typically dine at large chains where I’m accustomed to being served a giant trough of food.

“Too scene-y” Nobody hit on me.

“Not enough vegetarian options” I use my dietary restrictions as a means to get attention and can’t accomplish that at an actual vegetarian restaurant, which is where I should have gone in the first place.

“The ______ was terrible” I lack a basic understanding of the concept of personal preference.

 

 

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Five stars – says who? My trouble with TripAdvisor

A woman reading the menu in a restaurant with a smartphone in her hand

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Personally, I don’t hate TripAdvisor because of the bully-boy tactics or rapaciousness with which it is associated. I don’t hate it because it enables reviews of and tickets for cruel animal attractions, or for its climate of blackmail-enabling entitlement. I hate it because it’s shit. At the time of writing, the top restaurants in Glasgow and Manchester are, respectively, a bog-standard chicken tikka masala-punting Indian and a fairly obnoxious American-style joint. Topping the London list is an upscale outfit described by my informed critic counterparts as “ploughing through stubble and foam” and “fine dine like it’s 1999”, followed by an average-looking French restaurant in Battersea with an idiotic portmanteau name. None of these, in my considered and (yep, sorry) expert opinion, is worth crossing the road for, let alone town. Although there is comedy in the fact that an Irish caff in Greenwich is ranked more highly than Restaurant Gordon Ramsay.

I hate the implicit pressure: on small businesses to sign up or pay the price, to put buttons on websites and stickers on doors, the fact that even the inadvertent user is bulldozed into downloading the wretched bloody app. I hate TripAdvisor because the top listing in one Italian town was utterly fictitious. Because it gives awards to hotels like the Tunisian one closed months earlier after 38 holidaymakers were shot dead. Because there is a whole industry dedicated to churning out fake, by-the-yard “reviews”.

 

Restaurant Owner Wages All-Out Yelp Assault on Customers Who Leave Bad Reviews

Onefold Yelp 2

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In the most recent — and perhaps most extreme — instance of Neary’s Yelper-directed rage, a Yelp Elite user who left a bad review calling Onefold “perhaps his most hilariously bad dining experience of all time” has now been accused by Neary of viewing illegal pornography on his laptop while at the restaurant.

Of course, Neary’s not the first chef or restaurant owner to bite back at Yelp reviewers: A Boston restaurant owner posted photos of two badly behaved Yelpers on Instagram to publicly shame them, while a Vancouver chef confronted a Yelp user who left a bad review on live radio.

This Restaurant Wants to Be the Worst Rated on Yelp, and the Reviews Are Indeed Hilarious: 25% off for your 1-star critique

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Botto Bistro, an Italian restaurant in San Francisco, is vying for the worst Yelp rating in the Bay Area by offering customers 25 percent off for their 1-star reviews. Owner David Cerretini, who tells SFGate that the promotion is “the best business move I have made in years,” …refuses to back down, claiming he’s attracting higher-paying customers who are quite loyal. Not to mention, damn funny.