Prick from school now describing himself as an ‘influencer’

Excerpt from this spoof article:

Tom Booker, a devious little shit you assumed was going to be an letting agent, is instead putting a lot of selfies on Instagram and referring to himself ‘a brand ambassador in waiting’.

The egregious tosser, whose last interaction with you was egging your mum’s car on results day, also has his own website where he calls himself a ‘thinkfluencer’ and claims his endorsement will boost sales.

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OK Google, Just Stop.

Excerpt from this article:

Wife: OK Google, play Regina Spektor.

Google: Sure, here’s Regina Spektor on Spotify.

Husband: OK Google, stop!

Husband: OK Google, play Mumford and Sons.

Google: All right, playing Mumford and Sons on Spotify.

Wife: OK Google, play age-appropriate music for a middle-aged man.

Google: I am sorry, I don’t know how to play that.

Husband: OK Google, play music that isn’t also playing at a Starbucks right now.

Google: I am sorry, I don’t know how to play that.

Wife: OK Google, what are the typical terms of the, “I cook, YOU clean” rule?

Google: I’m not sure how to help with that.

Conversations with my iPhone

schmelling-conversations-with-my-iphone

Excerpt from this article:

iPhone: CHIRP. Your neighbor put a free dining-room set out on the curb.

iPhone: CHIRP! There’s a new podcast that breaks down every episode of “Hart to Hart.”

iPhone: CHIRP!! It’s National Popsicle Appreciation Day and your cousin Frank’s birthday and we’re twelve minutes from Panera Bread.

Me (whispering): What is UP with you? I’m in an important meeting.

iPhone: No idea what you’re talking about.

Woman In Group Text Suspicious There’s Another Group Text

Texting - Reductress

Excerpt from this article (it’s a spoof, but pointed):

After nearly two years in a group text of college friends, 26-year-old Kyla Gray is beginning to suspect that there’s another group text that contains everyone from the current group text except her.

“I started noticing little things like Tanya bringing up something we hadn’t been talking about and no one responding,” says Gray. “Is there something I did? Should I text someone and ask?”

I Love You, But Our Happiness Doesn’t Fit My Personal Brand’s Narrative Strategy.

McSweeneysBrand.JPG

Excerpt from this article:

If I want to have a strong brand narrative, my “voice” has to be consistent across all distribution channels. So, yes, that does mean captioning Instagram photos of us with “If I had a time machine I would change everything. EVERYTHING.” And yes, that does mean that when I check into our favorite restaurant on Facebook the caption is just that straight-line-mouth emoticon. And, yes again, that even means pinning cross-stitch patterns that say STARING INTO THE ENDLESS BLACK VOID on my Pinterest page. That’s just strong brand equity common sense.